These are my thoughts from September 13. It’s taken a couple of days to get them transferred from my notebook to the blog:
Hope is a powerful thing, but as my mother always told me, “where there’s hope there’s hurt”. True; it goes up and down all the time. One minute it’s total despair and the next immense gratitude and positivity.
That’s how it started for me today. My demons came out in full force and threw everything at me they had. Fortunately, I have a wife who listens, understands and keeps me grounded. My demons had me wanting to die, had stolen all my hope during the night, but after admitting how scared, angry and hopeless I was and crying, really crying, for the first time since this ordeal began. It was like I had a catharsis. I don’t know what it was, but during a treatment from my wife today I felt better. I was anxious to get off that table, I got strength from the music I was listening to…my music. It was like I rediscovered my purpose.
Tears come and sometimes they bring doubts and my demons drink the bitterness and grow strong again, but sometimes the tears are cleansing and open my eyes to being thankful and thoughtful once again, and just like that Al Jarreau song, Mornin’, I feel I can reach out my hand and touch the face of God. There’s so much love and beauty in the world, and of course that’s balanced with hate and ugliness.
I started my morning with despair and am now moving towards ending my day with hope. Will my demons come back in force? I’m sure they will, but right now I am going to wrap up in a quilt my mother made me that is filled with love and I am going to let myself be warmed by the divine sparks from all the people who love me and are keeping me in their thoughts and prayers. So… for now, I’ll keep reaching out to touch the face of God. There are still many questions and I have found so few answers, but like my wife just said “answers are overrated, it’s the questions that are interesting”.