Written Tuesday October 17

Tuesdays are always days of anguish for me. That’s when I get my weekly blood tests. I hope the values keep improving but I know it’s not always a straight path, so like the weather in Stockholm, my mood is dark.

I’m more tired than usual and have been feeling nauseous It’s like a veil has been put over my spirit. I realize I have to do the only thing I can do, just breathe. The breathing helps and I start thinking about my happy places. But today they are all blurred and seem to fade away. And then the tears start. I go in to talk to my wife, who is not only my wife but my therapist and psychologist. She asks me to write down my five biggest fears, which I do. She then proceeds to show me one by one how all these fears are locked up in the future; that I more than likely will not die today, that today I can still function, that I can still write, that I still have my faith (it’s just slightly weakened), that maybe the reason I don’t feel as good as I would like is…SURPRISE..I have cancer. She tells me the fears are driven by imagination. She also tells me that if I start living in the world of “what might happen” that I will miss all the good things in this life. She does this with love and a smile but also with a look that says “you better remember all this because today is where you are, it’s where we all are until our time comes”.

She’s a wise woman. Now the fears are like the majority of the cancer cells we all carry: they’re there but dormant and harmless. It’s when we let them take over that they grow and start to eat us up.

I have two words I’d like to add to my profile; cancer-free and fearless. I am grateful to my wife for making me feel like both are a possibility. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Love, B.

10 thoughts on “Fears

  1. Kära Brian jag tänker på dig varje dag. Du skriver så kloka ord, så vacker musik. Så bra att du har Fia som hjälper dig igenom svåra stunder. Du är levande och varm med ett så stort hjärta. Jag saknar dig så mycket på Kulturama. Om du känner att du orkar ngn dag kommer jag gärna på besök. Förstår fullständigt om du inte orkar. Stora varma kramar Petra

  2. Stay positive and drink in the words of your strong and loving wife. You have many friends in this world on both sides of the globe who love and care for you. With all this love and guidance, continue to fight the good fight.

  3. Your words make me cry, too.

    Brian, keep believing in cancer free thoughts.

    Feel the feeling of the moment you get the news that you are cancer free.

    Believe it.

    Words become things.

    Sending you LOVE.

  4. Always take life one day at a time and allow the future to be that gift you open every morning. Listen to that wonderful wife and know that all of us that love you are lifting you up in prayer! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  5. We’re all thinking of you and sending love Brian. It’s difficult to remember that all any of us have is right here in this moment. There is peace in this too.

  6. Du är fantastisk som sätter ord på din frustration (cancer) Fia är en mycket viktig person i ditt liv , det gäller att kunna prata om allt. Jag kommer snart o hälsar på kram Plingan Kurt hälsar

  7. Tänker på dig Brian. Underbart att du har en sån fin fru och livskamrat vid din sida! Ljus och kärlek till er båda!

  8. Much love my friend. Living one day at a time is the softer gentler way. FIA is very wise. I’d like to meet her some day.

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