Written Tuesday October 17
Tuesdays are always days of anguish for me. That’s when I get my weekly blood tests. I hope the values keep improving but I know it’s not always a straight path, so like the weather in Stockholm, my mood is dark.
I’m more tired than usual and have been feeling nauseous It’s like a veil has been put over my spirit. I realize I have to do the only thing I can do, just breathe. The breathing helps and I start thinking about my happy places. But today they are all blurred and seem to fade away. And then the tears start. I go in to talk to my wife, who is not only my wife but my therapist and psychologist. She asks me to write down my five biggest fears, which I do. She then proceeds to show me one by one how all these fears are locked up in the future; that I more than likely will not die today, that today I can still function, that I can still write, that I still have my faith (it’s just slightly weakened), that maybe the reason I don’t feel as good as I would like is…SURPRISE..I have cancer. She tells me the fears are driven by imagination. She also tells me that if I start living in the world of “what might happen” that I will miss all the good things in this life. She does this with love and a smile but also with a look that says “you better remember all this because today is where you are, it’s where we all are until our time comes”.
She’s a wise woman. Now the fears are like the majority of the cancer cells we all carry: they’re there but dormant and harmless. It’s when we let them take over that they grow and start to eat us up.
I have two words I’d like to add to my profile; cancer-free and fearless. I am grateful to my wife for making me feel like both are a possibility. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Love, B.