A few weeks ago I was basically praying for death and I asked my sons and my wife for permission to let go. I wonder now how I could’ve ever done such a thing with people that I love and who I want to be with. It didn’t take me long to realize how wrong I had been and I can’t imagine living life without them or going into death and leaving them behind. I know I’ll have to do it one day but not yet.
All that became apparent today as I was sitting in my chair watching the cold, dull, gray winter sky and all of a sudden, after taking a nap, I awoke to a beautiful snowfall and I cried because of the beauty in the world; not something I am ready to leave yet. I have learned to see beauty again in things that before I felt were a nuisance
I have simple pleasures planned for today. My wife is going to pick up food at a falafel place and we will enjoy that together for lunch later on. A dear friend is coming for dinner and fixing what he claims to be the world’s best pancakes (THEY WERE) My son is here and the other son is coming home on the weekend. Life is good. I feel good. I still have no pain, which is amazing, and I’m relatively happy. My strength is still not what I want it to be but I’m working on that and things are moving in the right direction
I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that I have cancer but I have not reconciled to the fact that I will let it kill me. I will fight this thing with all my might I will continue to pray, to love and to try and fulfill my purpose. A couple of months ago I could not see as far as Christmas. I thought without a doubt that I would be gone long before that but now as we approach it and are just a little more than two weeks away, I feel strong, I feel happy and I feel that this could be an amazing Christmas.
I am so thankful to God, to all my friends and all my divine sparks for everything you’ve done. Your prayers, thoughts and messages mean everything to me. Please continue to give me strength as I need all I can get.