My personal thank-you letter to Donald Trump


Everyone always seems to pick on Donald Trump for all the bad things he says or does; his idiotic ravings, lack of intelligence and eloquence, his racism, misogyny, hypocrisy, blatant lies, hate speech, pandering, racism, narcissism and total lack of credibility, class or plain old “home trainin’”.

I’m tired of all the nitpicking and the unfairness the media has shown him by pointing out all the things he actually says, so I’d like to take this opportunity to extend my thanks to him for broadening my vocabulary and the vocabulary of the American people and allowing us to create and resurrect some beautiful, descriptive language.

Now, as everyone knows, the Donald has good words… probably the best words, but as a bit of a wordsmith myself, I am impressed with how he has once again brought meaning  and fired color and life into tired old warhorses like, for instance; *asshole, dickhead, ass-wipe, shit-for-brains, dumbass, etc. Before Trump these words were considered vulgar and crude. Thanks to him lowering the bar they are now acceptable descriptive words to describe our politicians and candidates. Plus, it is now totally acceptable for a presidential candidate to use the size of his penis as a valid qualification for office. Things like this are inspiring. I finally have a new card to play when I meet my boss for salary negotiations.

He has also brought about a resurgence in the use of words like scurrilous, virulent, braggart, egregious, banal, pejorative, vitriolic, rapscallion, bumbledick, boorish, self-aggrandizer, and many others, not to mention classic words from the early days of comedy; knucklehead, chowderhead, buffoon,  Bozo, and wise guy. And to be honest, when you’re talking about Trump you need LOADS of adjectives, similes and metaphors!

But don’t forget, Donald Trump has also helped us weed out many unnecessary words from the political vocabulary. Hyperbole is now an outdated word that is no longer needed because it applies to all his political statements. Words like respect, dignity, compromise and civility are no longer needed or even understood. They just get in the way of all the fear-mongering and hate-mongering. “Social conscience” has been ousted, because Social is a big part of the word Socialism, and conscience; well, as the Donald would probably say, “people with those I want to hit really hard”.

He has also exposed a whole generation to many important “isms”; fascism, narcissism, Nazism, anti-Semitism, racism, liar-liar-pants-on-fireism. This is public service at its finest.

I also wanTangt to thank him for bringing back cherished childhood memories. The color of his face is exactly the same as that pseudo-orange-flavored breakfast drink, supposedly imbibed by astronauts that many a child of the 1960s grew up with and loved: INSTANT TANG. And his hair is reminiscent of those cute little trolls we used to play with.


Ok, some of you may say I’m really focusing on the positives with Donald Trump, but I’m really trying to give a fair and balanced view. Granted, he has no political experience other than giving money to other politicians to further his own interests, he has no knowledge of foreign policy, economic policies (unless of course you include a line from one of his favorite depression era songs, AIN’T WE GOT FUN” which says “The rich get rich and the poor get children, in the meantime, in between time, ain’t we got fun”), or any knowledge or experience with anything in government, but he does have a good looking daughter (and like him, basically everyone I’ve talked to would do her…) and his CHEEZ-IT tan does make me smile. And now that it’s OK for prospective First Ladies to pose nude I’m anxiously awaiting all the racy sketches and photos of Martha Washington, Dolly Madison and Ladybird Johnson to surface!

And even though I may not vote for Donald Trump, I appreciate his sacrifices and contributions to society. Of course I don’t know what they are, but I can guess that they are “huge”. I love the way he has shown all Americans that if you have money, power and the strength to keep clenching and unclenching  your anus mouth you can get thoughtless people to believe just about anything and accept the kind of behavior that would have warranted a major “slap up side da head” by my mother and grandmother.

In any case, I’m still undecided about this election, but I will say this; when I lived in New York City in the 1980s, Trump was a(n) (*please refer to the list of words in paragraph 3 and make your own choice) and he has never flip-flopped on that, so extra points for consistency!

Everyone talks a lot about Kool-aid… but me, I’m really craving some TANG.

Thanks Donald!